Maybe its too much for one to handle
this pressure coming in from all sides
dont you see my tear stained pillow?
dont you hear the screech of my cry?
Lord knows ive been trying
to achieve what? i still dont know.
But how i can change who i dont want to be
when somehow i just cant let go?
This image is arising, its not me
i refuse to call it my own
these acts of selfishness i commit
i myself, do not condone
So where do i go from here?
where else is there to hide?
how can i run away?
when its from deep inside?
who can i blame?
when the finger is pointing at me?
how can i love?
when my heart can never be free?
God please fill this void
thats hidden so very deep
im tired of filling it with nonsense
im sick of losing sleep
a letter to my self
this is only a start
on my unceasing journey
to find my unyielding heart

February 8, 2009
Kimberly Rose delCano

Let go of what’s not there
those things that used to hold you back
move on from those who brought you down
those who got you off-track
clean off your slate and start fresh
don’t turn around and look back
look to make you a better you
not what you aren’t from the things you lack
you have to try
let that string that keeps you hanging on die
untie those ribbons
that hid the true pain you felt inside
it’s okay to cry
tears release those feelings your afraid to show
each drop represents a peice you’ve released
whether it’s joy, pain, or sorrow
you know that you’re better than that
you can do whatever you put your mind to
don’t hold yourself down with the “shoulds”
and learn what makes you, you
you want to be loved
it’s like a never ending thirst
but before you can accept that
you have to love yourself first

2008

This post is for my buddy Russel Wade Hampton…

I was challenged to write something that didnt consist of poetry.  My question is how am i supposed to write about whats on my heart, when my heart is full of poetry.  Every thought, every rhyme… lol.  Let me stop. 

Life.  I think life is a beautiful conversation in itself.  Its full of some many things.  Questions, hope, doubt, love, hate… the list goes on. 

God.  This one is a tough one to bring out to the table.  I say that only because if your not a believer than you dont share the same feelings, the same hope, the same faith.  But I’m gonna bring it out anyways…  Would you think im crazy if i told you that God led me to join the Army?  That every morning that i wake up, i thank God for life.  That when i was in India, i heard God’s still small voice.  That reminds me of a story…

I call this one Beautiful Chaos. 

One day in 2007, I was in Kolkata, India for a cross cultural outreach missionary school.  It was a Sunday, me and my team went to one of the local churches and I was challenged with the question of what I was going to do when I returned home.  I had a few things in mind- going to college, staying in India, staying with YWAM…  the possiblities were endless.  As the day went on, me and my friend Abbie decided to go back to the guest house that we lived in and started a conversation about “who you are in God”.  Previously in the mission school, we did this exercise where we wrote down the names of a few people we looked up to, and the traits or character that we liked about them.  Later we learned that those things that you look up to in people are characteristics that God has placed in your heart, whether its developed or not.  Abbie opposed me with the question “Who are you in God?”  I could have easily given her the “christian” answer oh Im this and this and this because thats what God said…  but i took this question seriuosly.  What was i living my life for?  who am i?  All i could see were my faults and my failures.  She gave me a mirror and told me to tell myself who i was in God.  I thought it was a bit silly at first.  I thought about the list that I had made about the people that i looked up to, and started to “tell myself who i am”.  Somethings i knew, some i think i had it in my heart, but werent quite yet developed, and some were questionable to myself- tho others thought they were apparent.  So i read through the whole list and when i was done Abbie said… “you forgot one”…  I looked at her confused, checking my list to see if i read everything off, and then she said… “beautiful… youre beautiful”.  When i looked in the mirror, i closed my eyes and started balling.  I didnt believe it.  I saw the person who messed up, who has failed time and time again… i saw the flaws, the hurt, the pain… I couldnt say it because i didnt believe it was true.  I started to pray to God and asked him to help me see myself through His eyes.  At that time i heard a sweet whisper… it said “Rose, you are so beautiful… I’ve been trying to tell you for so long, but you keep ignoring me and listening to what the world has to say, you base your beauty on what guys say or think about you, on what media has to say… You are beautiful because i created you.  I love you. Stop running away and doubting yourself.”… For the first time in my life i could look in the mirror and tell myself that i was beautiful, honestly believing it.  I saw myself through God’s eyes.  It was one of those moments in my life that i knew that i would remember forever.

Call me crazy, but its stories like this that has actually happened in my life, of why i know and truely believe that God is real. 

So… yea.  thats my story.  A small chapter in my life. A beautiful poem with out rhyme or rhythm. 

-Rose del Cano

…For my favorite Battle PFC Lambert

Bright and early

Rise and shine

Everyday

On the grind

Never Quit

Hard to the core

American Heroes

In peace and war

Always ready

Come what may

High-speed soldiers

Lead the way

Mission first

Teamwork next

Salute our flag

With all respect

Stay in step

Hurry up and wait

High and tight

Don’t be late

Way of life

Do ordain

Ready for battle

Bring the pain

The U.S. Army

You can’t go wrong

American Soldiers

Army Strong

Kimberly Rose del Cano

October 27, 2008

One day I wrote a letter

From the bottom of my heart

I couldn’t describe the feelings

That tears my soul apart

It was about this guy I knew

Who made me feel this way

Though it got a little easier

When he moved away

I wrote about when we kissed

How it swept me off my feet

When his eyes met mine

How my heart skipped a beat

How we used to talk

About any and everything

About how we were together

Well more or less a little fling

When he held me in his arms

As we talked all through the night

Just being there with him

That feeling was just so right

It turned out he gave his heart

Not to me, but to another

And thought I still want him

It’s me who has to suffer

Why did you do those things

That got me so attached

I wish I could change the past

So I could release this painful latch

I want to let you go

I tried it a million times

And no matter what I do

You always come to mind

If I knew I would be hurt

Like I am today

I would have kept my distance

And made you stay away

I crushed on you for months

And then one day we kissed

I didn’t know you had someone

Or else it wouldn’t be like this

In my attempt to move on

I dated for a month or two

Even with every star in the sky

He didn’t compare to you

I don’t know what it is you have

That holds me heart so dear

I can’t figure it out

The feelings when you are near

I wanted to hate you so much

So I could at least let you go

But it’s just so hard to do

When my heart is saying no

These feelings that I know

That I hate to admit

Are all in my letter

The letter you’ll never get

2005

Help me God

i need you know

i want to be better

But i don’t know how

i want to give up

This life i live

And hand it to you

my heart,  i want to give

Forgive me God

i messed up a lot

i chased the rainbow

For the golden pot

i gave into the world

i went with the flow

i said i was a Christian

But it didn’t show

i cant take it anymore

i want to follow you

Please show me the way

In everything i do

Guide me Lord

For the rest of my days

So that I may follow you

In Jesus’ name I pray

I use to see a monster

When I looked into the reflection

The “nicest” and “sweetest” girl

Has the biggest imperfection

Behind my smile I cry

From the pain I hold inside

I strive to be better

Lord knows I’ve tried

The person I used to be

Is not who I am now

If could describe myself in words

I don’t think I’d know how

Reality has revealed himself

He crept up right behind me

He’s shown me my darker side

That of who I refuse to be

God please help me

To see me through your eyes

Take away those thoughts

That always makes me cry

 My old self still haunts me

And reminds me of all my flaws

Erase the unwanted memories

God, put my mind on pause

Lord I know you’ve changed me

You are my help, my cure

Please lead me down your path

Don’t let my past determine my future

11/5/2007

Tears that she never cried.

A collection of broken promises.

Those words that tear her down.

How can a heart with love for the world

Be so cold?

So numb?

Reopened wounds

She thought were healed.

Are starting to bleed once again.

Heart ache and sorrow

Fills her soul.

She tries to brush it off

But the underlying pain

Keeps resurfacing.

The very things that

Brings her to her knees

Is what she keeps

Running back to.

She screams at the

Top of her lungs.

But no one can

Hear her cry.

Stop the bleeding.

God, Please…

Help me to start over.

Rewrite love on my heart.

Suppress the pain

That’s been bottled in for so long.

I want to be free.

1/4/2008

I feel the rain upon my skin
I feel the emptiness deep within
I’ve felt the hurt for many years
I’ve felt the trail of many tears

I ran away from all I could
from the bad and the good
I screamed at the top of my lungs
I’ve been cursed by many tongues

I hit my knees when all else failed
I praised the Lord when all prevailed
I walked away when I should have stayed
Lessons learned from the mistakes I’ve made

Its not a good feeling to be let down
to be by yourself with no one around
you reached out with no hand to hold
left outside alone in the cold

where do you turn when your cornered in
Trapped by problems, life, and stress
the world around you is crumbling
expecting the worse, but hoping for the best

I closed my eyes wishing it would all go away
but when I opened them it was all still there
I prayed relentlessly to God begging to feel
the numbness inside I just can’t bare

I’ve seen what drugs can do to people
Especially when these people are your friends
Another line of God knows what
The pain and sadness never ends

Sorrow claims no discretion
It picks and chooses whom it will please
It leaves people with loneliness
It brings them to their knees

I heard her agonizing soul when she cried
She prayed every night to God for my brother
She begged and pleaded for a better life
It was the cry of my own mother

I know everyone has their struggles
Some far worse off than me
The past affects everything I do
Though I try to disagree

I lose myself in music
It takes my mind off of things
The beat or rhythm runs through my veins
The healing that it always brings

No one knows who I really am
They just know what they see
They don’t see the hurt and regrets I have
What I hide inside down deep

I know a girl who is broken
By words she lets her feelings go free
On paper, napkins, receipts and such
To whom it may concern

It’s me.

Written by Kimberly Rose delCano
September 2008

Hi

Welcome to my page.

So… I’ve decided to try this blog thing out to post random thoughts and poems.

Here’s to the best! Enjoy!

P.S.- I would like to take this time to Thank Jason for creating this awesome page for me.  Thanks Jason!